Episode 1.6 - Sept. 4, 2005
The show opens with Eddie and Connie staking out a chic shopping center. Eddie carries two cups of designer coffee and sits down next to Connie on a park bench. "It's Pompeii before Vesuvius threw up," he declares.
Connie doesn't quite catch his meaning, so Eddie continues. "The rank celebration of vulgar consumerism. ... The more packages we unwrap, the less we pay attention to politics and government."
They spot the bad guy they're looking for. This time, it's bad girl, No. 99 on the list.
As they start to trail her, Eddie continues. "I blame Santa Claus. Presents. Wish lists. Unrealistic and unearned expectations of reward. He dangles the greed carrot and we slop our way after it."
"There is no Santa Claus," Connie counters.
Eddie is aghast. "Is that what you tell your kids? He's out there Connie. And he knows what we want."
At this point, No. 99 has spotted them. She shoots and then runs into the street, where she's hit by a car and bounces off the windshield. Eddie struggles with her on the ground, and she decks him. He slugs her back and knocks her out.
This fisticuffs make fine fodder for the amusement of the team back at base. While Eddie ices his wounded face, the others smirk.
"You hit a girl?" Carla asks.
"Yeah, now I've got a taste for it, so shut up." Eddie snarks back.
So now it's time for No. 78 -- Alexei Kozharov. His most recent crime -- shooting a woman in broad daylight while she sat in traffic next to her husband. Turns out the husband owns porn shops, and Kozharov is big-time into taking over the porn business.
Upon learning that the epicenter of the porn business is in the San Fernando Valley, Eddie wonders aloud if anyone else finds it weird that "most American porn is filmed, marketed and distributed from our nice little Valley suburbs?"
Rodney apparently doesn't, noting, "Soccer moms and dads need arousal too."
Eddie is amused: "You did not just work soccer moms and arousal into the same sentence?
Rodney, smiling: "You know I did."
After this moment of levity, it's back to the litany of the bad guy's misdeeds. Murder, porn, dismemberment, murder. Killed nine people in the past six months. Yep, he's a bad guy. Jimmy, however, wonders why he's moved to the top of the list.
Connie tells him to get off his high horse. He's a criminal, that's why.
Back to business. Eddie and Carla partner up and visit porn shops, posting as distributors. As they're about to enter one shop, Eddie mentions that he doesn't look at porn.
Carla is dubious. "Right. No Playboy... Hustler.... No tits online?"
Eddie: "I'm shocked at your image of me." (He has hidden depths, our Eddie.)
They enter the store, buy a ticket, talk to the owner who is proud to have been open for 35 years despite the competition of home video, the Internet and Netflix.
Eddie duly notes, "Sometimes a guy just wants to hit the joystick in public."
They don't get very far with questioning the guy, however. He tosses them out. Later, he's killed by Kozharov because he won't cave in to the thug's control.
In order to lure Kozharov to them, the team sets up shop. Connie announces, "You're all now employees of Slippery When Wet."
"Where the customer comes first," Eddie declares. And they open for business.
One night, with Jimmy glowering at customers, Rodney monitoring from the mobile unit and Carla in the back room, the bad guys arrive. They make an offer of "protection," then start a fight. But Carla has fallen asleep. Shots ring out. Bad guys run away. Carla's in big trouble, but she winds up redeeming herself.
Fast forward to the team luring Kozharov and his gang to a warehouse for a porn supplier.
Eddie, Connie wait in the dark. They talk, bond, wait some more.
The bad guys surprise them by busting through the wall from the business next door. There's a gun battle in the darkened warehouse. One guy has Eddie in his sights, but Carla blows him away.
The crisis is averted only momentarily. Kozharov shoves a gun to Eddie's back. It looks bleak for Eddie. But Jimmy shoots Kozharov. Giggling as the team tries to apprehend him, he starts to pull another gun. But Carla sees this, and blows him away.
Cross another one off the list.